2.
Couples
Therapy
How do we rebuild trust?
OK, You’ve decided to stay and try to make it work. Are you ever going to be able to trust your partner again?
Do you find yourself thinking you can’t trust your partner while you are still so angry? Tired of digging your heels in, thinking he/she should change first, since it was his/her actions that started this whole mess? Do you believe your partner is acting in a trusting way only to deceive you – the moment you trust again, you’ll be betrayed? Is it hard to acknowledge your partner’s attempts to rebuild trust? Does it feel like this will never change?
You Are Not the Only One
Rebuilding trust after an act of infidelity is a process a lot of couples have undertaken. It can be a difficult journey but the relationship is worth the effort. Remember trust is not the same as a gift. It must always be earned through specific and consistent actions and words. It takes courage to dig deep and commit to this course of action. The process of rebuilding trust is a team effort. It takes both of you to rebuild your relationship, re-energize the love you have for each other, and re-envision what a future together will look like.
Just know the past does not have to predict the future. The two of you can use your past as a learning opportunity. For the unfaithful partner, demonstrating a level of commitment and reassurance of safety is a daily process. For the hurt partner, you’ll have to learn how to let go of the punishing and hypervigilence and extend trust. By learning new ways of communicating, handling difficult issues, and creating a more mature relationship, the two of you can make these critical changes you want and begin enjoying a life together again.
Is Rebuilding Trust Even Possible?
Is it possible to believe your partner can be faithful to you? The answer is yes! It does take a lot of work by the both of you. Trust is rebuilt in both small ways and large ways. The small ways trust is created are behavioral changes the both of you make to create a new normal; a way of being connected emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually that was not fully present before. These new behaviors span across all the different aspects of your life, because trust has to extend across all the different aspects of your life. These are actions each does for the other, or asks of the other. The large ways trust is re-established are undertaken by the unfaithful partner. They are significant demonstrations of commitment, responsibility-taking, and an earnest desire for a future together.
Learning trust building techniques has allowed a lot of people just like you to recreate a foundation for a mature relationship. When both of you are able to ask for and receive trusting actions by your partner, trust is rebuilt one step at a time. The skills you learn in this process are able to be applied to many parts of your life and you can experience joy again as a couple.
At Trailhead Counseling, I work with you in this process of relearning and rebuilding trust. The underlying pain, anger, and hurt following an infidelity must first be processed to pave the way for trust to grow. This is what other people in the same situation as you have learned. You can do the same. Your relationships in your life are critically important. You’ve made the decision to fight for the relationship. Though it might not seem possible right now, you can learn these skills and set your relationships on a new path.
I Still Doubt A Therapist Can Help Me
We’ve been working on this for a while. I still have problems with this and can’t trust my partner not to betray me again.
When you work with me, we will identify the root causes of the mistrust, develop self-awareness around it, and create strategies to overcome it. We’ll look at how this betrayal has affected the both of you. For a lot of people rebuilding trust in these situations, they are not aware of how early family experiences have contributed to the way we react. One of our first steps is to help you identify and understand how what we learned in our childhood can influence what qualities we look for in a partner, how we choose our mates, and the effects of early difficult family events on current relationships. You can’t fix something you can’t see. After developing awareness, both of you will learn ways to be and act within your relationships that foster and grow trust. In small steps you will get better at this and begin to see positive changes in your life.
Even if we wanted to do this, I’m not sure we could afford it.
This is an important relationship for you. Otherwise, you would not be here. Changing how you act towards and for each other, what you say and don’t say, and even how you disagree and fight is a good investment of your time and resources. The work you put into this process now will pay back many times over for the rest of your life. What would it be worth to you to experience happiness and satisfying relationships on a regular basis?
I work to make this process quick and effective. We will identify goals up front and a plan of attack for treatment. I am not invested in keeping you in therapy for years on end. If money is an issue, we can talk more about it. I offer a sliding scale fee structure for folks struggling to make ends meet.
I feel all this shame about the whole incident. We don’t talk about this with anyone else. I’m not sure talking with a therapist can help.
Talking with a therapist can be very different from talking with your friends. Therapists listen in a very non-judgmental way. I am there to support you and provide a safe and confidential environment where you can feel free to discuss everything you need to talk about. I know it can be difficult to talk with anybody on how the marital trust has been broken and how to rebuild it. One of the best ways to begin is by talking about it. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t be open to changing it. Neither of you will learn the skills necessary to keep the relationship going. Just know therapy runs at your pace. You do not have to disclose anything you are not comfortable disclosing. However, as your trust with me grows, you may be ready to take that risk. You may find a great sense of relief even in finding the courage to talk about it.
If this sounds like a good plan, I encourage you to reach out to me for a free in-office consultation. We will work together to identify your specific issues, ensuring we are a good fit together, and find a time most appropriate to meet.
Lauren Waters specializes in helping couples recover from infidelity and rebuild their relationship based on honesty, vulnerability, and open communication. Give her a call today to see how she can help you.